When you think about Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorderexternal link, opens in a new tab, prevalent stereotypes might come to mind: trouble sitting still at school, issues with focusing on work, and impulsivity. While these are traits many people with ADHD possess (me included), ADHDers (AKA, people who have ADHD) know that it can impact pretty much every part of your life — including sex.
Since ADHD presents differently for different people, its effect on sexuality also differs from person to person. However, recent studies show that, when it comes to sex, there are many overlapping issues that ADHDers share. Let’s dive into them.
Recent Findings
In a 2023 study published in the National Library of Medicineexternal link, opens in a new tab, researchers Susan Youngexternal link, opens in a new tab, Larry J Klassenexternal link, opens in a new tab, Shayne D Reitmeierexternal link, opens in a new tab, Jake D Mathesonexternal link, opens in a new tab, and Gisli H Gudjonssonexternal link, opens in a new tab found that high-risk sexual behavior (like having the kind of sex that can create unwanted pregnancy without contraception, or choosing partners who aren’t safe people) was more common in adults with ADHD than those without. This resulted in a higher risk of STIs and early pregnancy. The researchers proposed that this behavior was driven by impulsivity, a hallmark ADHD trait.
The ADHDers in the study tended to have more desire for sex but reported feeling less sexual satisfaction in their relationships. They had a higher tendency to be unfaithful to partners they were in monogamous relationships with, and engage in or desire what’s often culturally considered to be more “adventurous” sex (like bondage, or including dominance or submission in the sex they engage in).
These tendencies don’t apply to everyone, however. Anecdotally, many ADHD people on social mediaexternal link, opens in a new tab report a lack of interest in sex, citing distraction or a wandering mind as the main cause. While there’s nothing wrong with being less interested in sex, being distracted during intimacy can lead to relationship rifts or miscommunications. Those who are unaware of the cause may also feel unable to articulate what’s wrong, leading to more dissatisfaction. Either way, the result seems to be the same.
These aren’t the only things that have recently been discovered. In another article published in the NLM, titled “Sexual development in ADHD and internet pornography consumptionexternal link, opens in a new tab,” researchers found that ADHDers are more susceptible to what they’ve called “problematic pornography use,” relying on it as a form of self-medication. ADHD can also make it hard to consume things in moderation, especially if those things give a hit of much-needed dopamine. Sexual media can fall under that tricky umbrella.
All these different findings reveal one common throughline: ADHD doesn’t just impact your work or school life, even if that’s where it’s most apparent. Being unaware of this can end up hurting your romantic and/or sexual relationships.
It should be noted that nonbinary and trans people were not included in these studies. This is an unfortunate blind spot, especially when you consider that neurodivergent people are generally more likely to question their genderexternal link, opens in a new tab. At the time of writing, studies that focus on genderqueer people with ADHD are few and far between. The first study’s authors expressed interest in including nonbinary participants in future research, so hopefully more information about ADHD in trans and otherwise gender-expansive people will soon come to light.
What This Means For You
When I read through this research, I freaked. It explained so much about my own relationship patterns. My first thoughts were cynical: Does this mean I’m broken? Can nothing be done?
Reading this, you might feel the same way. It can be scary to see only challenges ADHD can present without knowing where to turn or seeing any positives. Luckily, you’ve already taken the first step. Knowing is half the battle.
Before I knew how ADHD could affect relationships (or knew that I had ADHD to begin with), I felt like a freak. I felt awful for feeling bored in the bedroom, even with people that I genuinely loved and generally enjoyed having sex with. Even though I was diagnosed back in 2021, I am constantly discovering new things about ADHD, reshaping and readjusting whenever new information comes along. If it takes you a little while to process this, that’s okay.
Before you do, though, keep this in mind: these studies were focused on negatives, in order to draw attention to and find solutions for long-ignored issues.
In real, everyday life, it’s not all doom and gloom to have ADHD and a sexual life. For example, sexual curiosity and being more adventurous in the bedroom isn’t a recipe for a breakup. Many people actively seek out partners who are down to experiment, and being open to new and different things when it comes to sex is something we know tends to enhance people’s sexual lives and connections, not hurt them. If you tend to get distracted or bored with sex, guess what? That’s fine too. No one else has to, and few people do, want sex all the time, anyway. Sex also isn’t the only way to connect with each other or explore intimacy.
Being able to chalk some of your own sexual issues up to ADHD doesn’t fix them, but it does explain them. With a thorough explanation, you have the tools to effectively communicate with your partners, avoiding dissatisfaction down the road. So, how can you deal?
How to Deal
With ADHD, sexual issues often lie with an untreated root cause. Don’t play whack-a-mole with symptoms. In particular, if you can learn to manage things like your impulse control effectively, you’re taking a step in the right direction. It can have positive ripple effects on the rest of your life, too.
Personally, I’ve found medication to be helpful, not just in regard to my sex life, but with my life as a whole. I take atomoxetine, the generic form of Strattera, a non-stimulant ADHD medication. Its effects are subtle, but they’re definitely there. I went off it for a bit, and completely lost the ability to wash dishes or do chores, so I know it’s working.
Of course, speak with a doctor before trying any medication. Make sure you research whichever meds you’re thinking of taking. Regardless of what you do or don’t decide on, however, medication isn’t a cure-all. There is no magic pill that will “fix” you. There is just you. And you are stronger than you think.
Communicating With Partners
As with everything else regarding sex, especially with other people, the first, most important step is talking about it. If you’re in a sexual relationship, talk with your partner(s) about how you’re feeling, what works for you, and what doesn’t. Ask them what they might need when it comes to ways your ADHD plays out in your sexual interactions. Don’t direct blame at them or yourself: no one did anything wrong here by just having the kind of brain that they have. Instead, focus on affirming solutions that you can find together.
If you often find yourself bored with sex, for example, don’t put pressure on yourself to get in the mood (or to be sexual at all if it isn’t what you want, whether you feel bored or not!). The kind of sex most people — those with ADHD and those without — find satisfying tends to be the kind that’s a journey, not a destination. Take your partner on dates, hold hands, touch their face, and look into their eyes. Intimacy can be built in a number of ways. Have fun exploring them!
If you’re someone whose sexuality is on the more adventurous side, that’s also okay. There’s never anything wrong with wanting sex that’s considered outside the mainstream. It’s being misinformed, making high-risk decisions, or not considering the wants of any partners that can create issues.
This is a place where you can put your hyperfocus to good use. Get curious! Research everything you can. Find out about the safest sexual practices for the specific sexual activities you want to engage in. Think about this as necessary prep. If you want to try out something new, reading up on it beforehand ensures that you’ll get the most out of the experience. When you’re armed with knowledge, you can have fun — safely.
If you have a partner, involve them in this research, too. Have fun looking things up together — you’re on the same team, after all! People with ADHD can often feel misunderstood by the people around them, especially by neurotypicals. By openly communicating your feelings and letting your partner into your world, you can feel more connected to them and reignite your passion.
Of course, this is easier said than done, especially if your partner has different desires than you do. If you’ve been wanting to try something new, but aren’t sure how to bring it up, don’t wait until you’re in the thick of it. Pick a time (and set a reminder) when you’re both calm and sex isn’t actually happening in the moment. That way, you can navigate the conversation with a clear head, give all of you time to think about and talk things over if wanted, and everyone can know exactly what they may be getting into the next time you’re in the bedroom together.
Don’t think of safer sex or contraception (unless you’re trying to conceive) as optional. If you’re prone to forgetting condoms or taking a daily birth control pill, a take-it-and-forget-it birth control option like an IUD or an implant might be better for you. Or, you could make a point of always having a few condoms in your purse or bag. That way, if you lose one, you’ve still got backup. If you have a hard time keeping up to date with regular testing, schedule appointments in advance. If you’re not great about using barriers, be sure to make agreements about them with partners in advance, and stay stocked up on barriers by always buying more than you need (barriers have a long shelf life, as does emergency contraception and abortion pills, while we’re at it).
Repeat after me: struggling with impulse control and executive functioning doesn’t make you a bad person. It just means you have ADHD, a disorder that can be treated and worked with. You’re one of millionsexternal link, opens in a new tab with ADHD, many of whom have developed effective coping mechanisms and have healthy, satisfying sex and relationships. You — and your sex life — will be okay.
