Scarleteen

hiya!!

so basically ive been struggling a bit. mainly bc as ive been exploring my sexual identity ive had moments where im like “wait is it weird for me to wanna identify this way and am i too young?”

for example i like wanna use top as a label for myself bc even tho i haven’t had partnered sex ik im probably a top, but there’s also a lot of internet discourse (eugh) where ppl are like “ur not a top or bottom ur like 12” and stuff so i question whether or not im too young. this also is in regards to kink and stuff, as i think im on the slightly kinkier side but i see a lot of discourse about minors in kink too so im just confused.

there’s probably a few others that im forgetting but yeah

thoughts?

Good morning.

You know, the person who will always be the most -- and sometimes the only! -- effected by what words we use for any of the parts of ourselves is us. And often how we figure out who we are, what our identity is, be it with sex or with things like religion, community, what have you, often is by trying things on and seeing how they feel, both in the moment and over time.

I don't see who it would harm or even impact at all for you to call yourself a top if that feels right to you or like an identity you want to try on. I'd say the same thing to someone asking this at 40, too.

That said, everyone also has the option to wait on attaching themselves to or even trying on certain kinds of identities that feel ahead of where they are in their life or life experiences. I do think that it can be easy to get hung up on claiming identities, and that sometimes, that can get in the way of feeling open and curious to all the possibilities. But again, this is something for you to feel out, and the person who any of this is going to actually matter to in any real way is you. Know what I mean?

howdy!!

yeah you’re right. theres just so much internet discourse and people having some pretty iffy takes regarding sex that it starts to take a bit of a toll so its nice to have a sorta “reality check” every now and again lol.

also yeah that makes sense!! i think im just gonna take some time to think about everything and stuff and see how i feel without being like “what will other ppl say/think?”

thanks for the help!! :]

Always happy to help.

I think it makes the most sense to center yourself in this, thinking about how other people might react very secondarily. One, because whatever words you decide to use for yourself in any of this, there is literally no situation in which you are going to be required to share those words with another person: you will always get to choose with whom you share them and which words you share. These are not words for other people, they are for and about you.

Whenever you feel like you land on some that feel right over some time, then I think the way to consider people that's more sound is to think about 1) who you tell at all, and then 2) what you want and/or need from them when you tell them. If the answer is "approval" then to me, that's less an issue of you using words for yourself people will like and more about...well, looking for approval in the wrong places. If it's instead things like connection, support, a shorthand understanding, then again, that's likely going to be much more about who those people are and what your relationship is like with them than what identity words you use for yourself.

Maybe think of this as being like choosing a name for yourself. That might involve what other people might think in terms of if the name you choose seems to mean to other people what it means to you, but by and large, what names you choose for yourself will mostly be about what resonates with YOU.