Scarleteen

So I'm a 15 year old trans girl.

When I first started doing it a few years ago it felt amazing, but now it just feels kinda meh. Kinda like I am satisfying the urge to do it, but without the feeling of euphoria that usually came with an orgasm. I don't know if I explained it well. I tried other techniques, I tried not doing for a while and then trying again, but nothing helped. Is there a way to make it feel good again?

Hi Sky,

You're already a few of the things we recommend for folks who find masturbation isn't feeling the way it used to, which is awesome. Can you give me a sense of what your headspace is like when you masturbate? For instance, if you fantasize, do those fantasies feel engaging and like they're turning you on. Or do they feel pretty "meh" too?

Although I used before, I don't usually fantasize anymore, I don't really feel like doing it for some reason. I usually try to concentrate on how it feels and just be in the moment, but I also feel a bit of shame and guilt and "disgustingness" when I'm doing it. I also often feel pretty dysphoric about my parts, since I'm trans. I'm especially dysphoric after I do it, especially when I see my sperm, it grosses me out.

I'm also often scared that I'm committing a sin by doing it (I'm religious), even though according to the research I did, as long as I don't fantasize about another real person, it is not a sin.

Got it. So, if your brain isn't super engaged in or turned while you're trying to masturbate, then the experience is unlikely to feel all that good. Our brains are our biggest sexual organ, so if it's not into what's happening, we don't tend to enjoy ourselves. Too, if you're feeling guilty about masturbation, that can make it less pleasurable as well. Would you like to talk about some ways to address that guilt or that belief that what you're doing is disgusting?

I do want to say that while some religious traditions look down on masturbation, there are still many that view masturbation as the normal, neutral act that it is. There's nothing inherently wrong about masturbating, even if you fantasize about a real person. We can talk more about why people believe that, and what some of the counter arguments are, if it would be helpful for you.

I don't know why I feel guilty and that it's disgusting. I know that it's not supposed to be, but it feels that way.

yes, it would be helpful, it seems to me it's bad to fantasize about a real perso because of Mattew 5:27-28: ""You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart."

I'm not sure what looking at a woman lustfully means exactly, but I don't think of anyone in a sexual way ever, just to be safe. I've read some interpretations of Mattew that say it's okay, as long as you're not using porn, but I'm scared to belive it.

Since it sounds like you've had a religious influence in your life, that can often be a source of shame or guilt when doing something like masturbation. Do you think that's playing a role here? Too, since dysphoria is also in the mix, do you feel like that disgust is attached to your body and how you feel about it? Or is the dysphoria sort of separate from the disgust?

So, with the enormous caveat that I'm not a religious scholar (for your own reading, I'd start with Dianna E Anderson;s work or with Emily Joy and Hannah Boning of Impurity , there are a few ways to reframe that verse on lust. One is that some religious thinking, and honestly some secular thinking, views any kind of thought or fantasy as being an automatic precursor to action; if you think it, you're more likely to do it. But what we know about the reality of human sexuality and fantasy is that fantasizing about something doesn't make a person any more likely to engage in that action. Some people use fantasy to explore things they may want to try in real life, others use it as a way to explore things they know they'd have zero interest in actually doing (and most of us do a mix of that). Does that make sense?

Similarly feeling attraction, including sexual attraction, isn't inherently sinful in my opinion (and the opinions of lots of others). Really, the only time lust is an issue is if it leads us to treat others as objects rather than as people. In other words, if it makes us think that our desire for that person trumps their boundaries and autonomy (honestly, the whole framework in that verse is, to me, more objectifying than fantasizing about someone is because the commandments it draws from treat women as the property of their husbands).

Too, I've heard some religious folks talk about sexual desire as a positive thing, as one form of many available to us of appreciating the beauty the divine put into the world, which is kind of a cool idea.

All that being said, if fantasizing about real people doesn't feel comfortable to you for religious reasons, or any reasons, right now, you don't have to fantasize that way. In fact, this article offers up ways to explore your fantasies on your own terms and find ones that do allow you to experience them comfortably and without shame: How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms

Sam W wrote:Since it sounds like you've had a religious influence in your life, that can often be a source of shame or guilt when doing something like masturbation. Do you think that's playing a role here? Too, since dysphoria is also in the mix, do you feel like that disgust is attached to your body and how you feel about it? Or is the dysphoria sort of separate from the disgust?

So, with the enormous caveat that I'm not a religious scholar (for your own reading, I'd start with Dianna E Anderson;s work or with Emily Joy and Hannah Boning of Impurity , there are a few ways to reframe that verse on lust. One is that some religious thinking, and honestly some secular thinking, views any kind of thought or fantasy as being an automatic precursor to action; if you think it, you're more likely to do it. But what we know about the reality of human sexuality and fantasy is that fantasizing about something doesn't make a person any more likely to engage in that action. Some people use fantasy to explore things they may want to try in real life, others use it as a way to explore things they know they'd have zero interest in actually doing (and most of us do a mix of that). Does that make sense?

Similarly feeling attraction, including sexual attraction, isn't inherently sinful in my opinion (and the opinions of lots of others). Really, the only time lust is an issue is if it leads us to treat others as objects rather than as people. In other words, if it makes us think that our desire for that person trumps their boundaries and autonomy (honestly, the whole framework in that verse is, to me, more objectifying than fantasizing about someone is because the commandments it draws from treat women as the property of their husbands).

Too, I've heard some religious folks talk about sexual desire as a positive thing, as one form of many available to us of appreciating the beauty the divine put into the world, which is kind of a cool idea.

All that being said, if fantasizing about real people doesn't feel comfortable to you for religious reasons, or any reasons, right now, you don't have to fantasize that way. In fact, this article offers up ways to explore your fantasies on your own terms and find ones that do allow you to experience them comfortably and without shame: How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms

Yes, my religious upbringing definitely plays a role in the shame and guilt. I would like to un-learn that, but I don't know how. I think that disgust is a mix of mostly dysphoria and probably a bit of the shame I mentioned earlier.

Thanks for the advice on religious stuff. Thanks for putting that verse into context, I never thought about it being there when men owned their wives, and that it's probably talking about objectification, not fantasy. But now, even when I have no scripture telling me it's wrong, I still feel bad for masturbating, especially with fantasy. And I know it's not my conscience telling me it's wrong because it feels different. I now need to learn how to get over that and stop feeling shame and disgust.

Thanks also for the idea of seeing sexual desire as a good thing, I never thought about it that way, and it makes a lot of sense.

I checked out that article, and it's useful, but I don't think I can begin fantasizing before I unlearn the shame and guilt.

Hi Sky,

You may have already seen this article on our site, but if not, I think it might be a helpful place to start tackling the shame you're feeling around masturbation: Undoing Sexual Shame.
I also wanted to give a suggestion based on what you said about being being grossed out by your semen after masturbation: I've heard from some folks that masturbating through clothing, or while wearing a condom, can help with this because the mess is easier to dispose of without having to see it too closely. I don't know if that would make enough of a difference to you to make things any easier, but I wanted to bring it up just in case.

Mo wrote:Hi Sky,

You may have already seen this article on our site, but if not, I think it might be a helpful place to start tackling the shame you're feeling around masturbation: Undoing Sexual Shame.
I also wanted to give a suggestion based on what you said about being being grossed out by your semen after masturbation: I've heard from some folks that masturbating through clothing, or while wearing a condom, can help with this because the mess is easier to dispose of without having to see it too closely. I don't know if that would make enough of a difference to you to make things any easier, but I wanted to bring it up just in case.

Thank you, that article was really helpful!

Masturbating in clothes definitely does help, but the problem is that the mess stays on them, and when I throw them in the dirty clothes pile, my parents can see it. I did that before and I didn't get in trouble or anything, they didn't even mention it to me, but I still feell uncomfortable knowing that they know.

Using a condom seems like a good idea, I just have the problem of not being able to get one, and I'd probably have to hide it from my parents. I can't get one because I'd have to go to the store, and in my really little town where everyone knows each other it would be more than awkward. I could maybe order it online, but my family is nosey and someone would open the package before me. That would lead to an extremely awkward conversation, and my mum would probably loose trust in me because she says "Human sexuality is awesome, but it should be reserved for after marriage".

I'm glad the article was helpful!

With accessing condoms, I feel you on how awkward it can be to try and purchase that sort of thing in a small town. I will say that, generally speaking, even in small towns the cashiers at drugstores aren't paying that much attention to what people are buying, and are unlikely to dwell on it for more than a few minutes (if that). So while it may feel awkward, it might still be easiest to get condoms that way. Too, are there any health clinics in town? Sometimes those have condoms available.

With the packages, do you feel like you could start asking your parents to stop opening your mail?

Sam W wrote:I'm glad the article was helpful!

With accessing condoms, I feel you on how awkward it can be to try and purchase that sort of thing in a small town. I will say that, generally speaking, even in small towns the cashiers at drugstores aren't paying that much attention to what people are buying, and are unlikely to dwell on it for more than a few minutes (if that). So while it may feel awkward, it might still be easiest to get condoms that way. Too, are there any health clinics in town? Sometimes those have condoms available.

With the packages, do you feel like you could start asking your parents to stop opening your mail?

I'm not sure about health clinics (i just moved there).

I probably could ask, but then they would know that something is up. Also my younger sister would also maybe open it and I'm not sure would she stop if I asked her

Hi Sky H!

If you do a websearch of sexual health clinics they might and are likely to have a phone number or email address you can use to ask about privacy and getting hold of condoms. Local LGBT groups you can connect with online might also be a really good call!

In terms of finding a good hiding place, that's hard for me to know, but at least taking the condoms out of their packaging will mean they take up less space.

The anxiety around this sounds stressful as heck, I hope you're doing ok!