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The Answers (for Now) - Asher

When did you start to question your sexual orientation⁠ ? What in particular made that question arise?

A few years ago (in my late twenties!) I was in a relationship⁠ with someone where we had very different sex⁠ drives, namely that hers was so much higher than mine and I felt like I just couldn't keep up. It wasn't a healthy relationship, in retrospect, but it really started me down the path of thinking that I was asexual⁠ . I didn't feel sexually attracted to her, and while I wasn't sex adverse, I wasn't feeling that spark of attraction to anyone, least of all her.

When (if ever) did that question resolve itself?

Eventually, I realized that the relationship was unhealthy. That the high demand for sexual⁠ intimacy, and resulting pouting when I didn't want to have sex, was not a place anyone should be in! Once I removed myself from this relationship, I realized the questioning arose from the constant pressure to have sex. The more she wanted it, the less I was interested.

How would you describe your sexual orientation as you understand it now?

I label myself queer⁠ , but the label bisexual⁠ is also correct. I would not identify as anywhere on the asexual spectrum at this point in my life.

How do/did you feel about being questioning? Positive? Negative? Something else entirely?

Questioning my sexuality was a pretty scary event. I don't want to say it was positive or negative, just very overwhelming.

What is or was the most confusing? When you thought "maybe I'm [x]," what made you feel unsure or second-guess yourself?

I was 13 when I came out as bisexual, and to find myself at 27 wondering if I was biromantic and not sexual at all confused me. I kept asking if I had been lying to myself in the past, or if it was just a natural change. Logically, I knew that sexuality was fluid and could shift and change over a life, I was just so startled that it was happening to me!

Was there a defining moment that clarified things for you, or did you come to a more gradual realization?

It was a pretty defining moment. My ex and I were polyamourous and both had other partners. At the time, I was also in a long distance relationship and so I wasn't entirely sure if there was going to be any sexual chemistry. We (the long distance partner⁠ and I) both talked about it in depth, since this partner (now my spouse) is demisexual⁠ . And then I saw them face to face and the spark was 100% there, and has remained so.

Did you talk to other people about being questioning, or compare notes with other people of an orientation you thought you might be?

I did! I reached out to several of my friends who are asexual and asked them how they came to their understanding of their sexuality. Because I enjoyed sex, but was just lacking the sexual attraction to people, I wasn't sure I was "allowed" to call myself asexual. Having a several people share different experiences, from being sex repulsed, to actively having sex while still being asexual, really set me at mind that there would be room for me if I chose to identify that way.

What would you say to past-questioning-you if you could send a message back in time?

I would grab myself by the shoulders and tell myself you're allowed to change. You're allowed to use labels that feel right against your skin. I would give myself permission to explore and try on a label to see how it fit.

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