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One of the biggest misnomers about partnered sex is that vaginal intercourse is "going all the way," is the only "real" sex, and is some sort of final goal to sexuality, which is unfortunate... and untrue. It's also untrue that heterosexual, vaginal intercourse is the only sexual activity which presents the possibility of both or either physical and emotional risks.
This idea has contributed to a whole lot of confusion and disappointment for many who have first intercourse or any other kind of first-time sex, and wonder where the fireworks and trumpets were, or why it wasn't all they thought it would be. Even when we're not talking about heterosexual vaginal intercourse, any kind of genitally-interlocking sex is often framed as "taking it to the next level," even though in plenty of relationships, or for plenty of people, that may not be any sort of "next" or "higher" level at all, especially if one or both people involved really aren't and don't feel ready. It can be a big shocker to presume a sexual activity unrisky and then discover you've got a sexually transmitted infection, or feel some heartbreak from something you thought had nothing to do with your heart at all. Too, some of all that hoopla about why intercourse is THE sex can have to do with the fact that it's often where the greatest risks are taken.
To have any kind of sex be important and satisfying, and as good as it can possibly be, anticipating, recognizing and managing those possible risks -- both the wanted and unwanted ones -- is a big help.
If you're considering having any kind of genital sex -- manual sex, oral sex, vaginal sex, anal sex -- for the first time or for any time thereafter, there are a bunch of things you and your partner should know and evaluate, especially with an activity like heterosexual intercourse, where pregnancy is an additional risk. The best sex is pretty much always the sex everyone involved really wants and is earnestly ready for. So take stock, see where you stand in terms of a readiness ideal and get real!
Intercourse or other partnered genital sex will not necessarily do any of the following for you or your partner:
There's a lot to think about when deciding if it is right for you and your partner to have vaginal intercourse or other genital sex for the first time. Here are a few basic questions to ask of yourself, and to ask of your partner.
If either of you wants to do it because you feel you must or should, because one of you is pressuring the other, you're getting pressure from friends, or if you're having troubles in your relationship and you think sex will fix it, take a biog pause right there. Sex between people should only happen when it is what both people very enthusiastically and actively want it, and not just because they think it'll make the other person happy (or get them to stop nagging). Another thing to give you pause might be if you're fantasizing about sex based on movies or television. Remember how in Tom and Jerry cartoons, Tom could hit a wall and walk away from it just fine, and you knew that wouldn't work in real life? Same goes with a lot of sex in movies and television; it isn't often as it appears.
On the other hand, if you've been with your partner long enough (whatever that means to you) to feel good about considering sex with them, feel a strong desire for sex yourself, and have a solid level of other sexual experience (including kissing, petting, masturbation); you feel you can trust yourself and your partner with limits; if you're looking to explore your sexual relationship responsibly and sensitively, and for some greater intimacy and sexual exploration with no notion any certain result -- positive or negative -- is guaranteed, and you've got a firm grip on reality, read on.
If it's for you, and your partner as well as you: fantastic. But if it is for someone else primarily, and not for yourself -- or JUST for yourself -- stop now. Other people, just like you, have hands and fingers. They know how to use them to get off, and you can rest assured they've been using them long before you came along. Sex with someone else shouldn't just be about self-gratification; that's what masturbation is for. If your friends are saying you should, with no understanding of your relationship, or your own needs, they're being crappy friends. A lot of friends who pressure their friends to have sex do so because they don't feel all that good about their own choices, and want to hide behind endorsing sex to make themselves feel better. Tell them to carry their own baggage, not try and pass it off on you.
It's smart to take stock of what your expectations are, and give them a reality check. Talk to a friend who has had intercourse or other genital sex who is really honest with you (or an older sibling or family member) about what you expect, and listen to their own experiences. Gather diverse perspectives: one person's sexual experiences can often vary a lot from those of another.
The truth is, if you have a list as long as Santa's of sexual expectations, it isn't very likely they'll all be met. Sex is often not what we expect, whether the difference between our expectations and reality is positive, negative, or just another ball of wax. Often -- with sex or anything else -- the less we expect, the more we often receive. Intercourse or other genital sex isn't a miracle cure for anything, and it isn't always a fireworks show: it can be a wonderful, natural affirmation of intimacy, and an excellent physical and emotional experience as long as you're ready for it and take it at face value, without romanticizing it or imagining it to be something it is not. The sex you have with someone else tends to be a mirror of your relationship: if your relationship is lousy, the sex within it isn't likely to be better or to improve the relationship.
Some studies show that a good 30% of people never have sex again with the partner they lose their virginity (which is defined in those studies as vaginal intercourse, so your mileage may vary) to. Only about 25% of women usually report enjoying first intercourse, and less than 8% report orgasm from first intercourse. Those bummers most likely had to do with being ill-prepared in general, simply not knowing the basics, both partners not being equally invested in one another, and overall, with unrealistic expectations: in other words, they were not about something being terribly wrong with people, but about people's expectations being out of whack. The cultural idea that the first sex is the best sex is almost always off-kilter: sex is one of those things that tends to improve for people over time; which gets better with time and experience, rather than starting off perfect and fantastic and either staying there or getting worse or boring.
There's a lot to juggle; probably more than you think. Here are what we see as the basics for what we usually need materially, physically, emotionally and interpersonally for partnered sex to be enjoyable, safe, physically gratifying, and emotionally sound.
Those material items are ideal to prevent and deal with disease, illness, infections or pregnancy (when applicable). Obviously, your mileage may vary when it comes to what sexual health and sexuality items might be covered by your insurance or your country, city or state's services provided to you for free or low-cost. These items may also be limited by your age or personal or family means. There is no sex, save masturbation -- no matter how long you and your partner have known each other, or what you have convinced yourself of -- that does not carry some risks, no matter how safe you play it, and reducing and managing those risks often costs money.
Some things were not included. For instance, I didn't say you needed to be able to insist on using a condom if your partner didn't want to use one, because a partner who doesn't want to take good care of both of you isn't one you should be sleeping with. It's really that simple. Toss the checklist to your partner too: talk about the items on it together. This is about both of you. You may find that simply discussing the reality of the situation makes a big difference for you both. A lot of sex is innate and intuitive, and it is perfectly normal to feel driven by our libido and our emotions, but it isn't smart to ignore good sense and responsible behavior, or the practical parts of sex, because of those feelings and desires. Rather, when we have our basic needs in place, it can be a lot easier to be spontaneous and free-spirited with sex.
That's a lot to look at, we know. How did you do? What do you have already set, and what might you need to look into evaluating, talking about or acquiring?
Realistically, even most adults will not check every single thing on this list. But we can safely say that any person who is realistically ready for partnered genital sex should have a lot of what is on this list, as should their partner. If you can see some areas where you're lacking, give yourself some time to think about them, maybe re-evaluate, slow down, and take extra time before you become sexually active to work on being able to say "yes" to those items. When you see weak spots in what you've got on the list, how about just doing some work on those? In talking to a partner who feels they're ready, you might want to remember this list so that you can better articulate and explain in what areas you don't feel you or they are really ready.
There isn't a statute of limitations on your sex life, and it doesn't begin or end with intercourse. You can initiate any level of it at any time during your life, and change what you want to do as you go along, determining at any time what is best for you, and for your partner(s). If you haven't checked almost all of the things on those lists, take a look at the ones you didn't check and try and figure out what you need to do for yourself right now. There is no reason to set yourself up for a fall, or rush into something that won't be enjoyable or rewarding, when it isn't going to go away if you wait. Be honest with yourself, and above all else, do what is right for YOU.
 | S.E.X.: Spelling Out All You Need to Know About Your Sexuality author: Heather Corinna asin: 1600940102 |
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